Subject: Flying Chickens The British Government at work. In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story: It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass' impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken." ______________________________________________________ * * * >From The Dan Quayle Quote File Hall of Fame: (classic gems from the former Vice President of the US) It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- Vice President Dan Quayle I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy--but that could change. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92, The New Yorker, 10/10/88, p.102) This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States! -- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/2/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is "to be prepared." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Also reported by Reuters, 5/2/90. Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back! -- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/17/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 This gem has been added to Bartlett's "Familiar Quotations." (reported in Esquire, 8/92) (reported in the NY Times, 12/9/92) Take a breath, Al... Inhale. -- Vice President Dan Quayle politely cutting off Senator Al Gore during the VP Debate in Atlanta, 10/13/92. Gov. Zell Miller of Georgia said that Dan Quayle reminded him of one of his grandkids when they've had too much sugar. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. -- Senator Dan Quayle, US News and World Report (10/10/88) Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the 20th anniversary celebration of the moon landing, 7/20/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) The loss of life will be irreplaceable. -- Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake, 10/19/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Bobby Knight told me this: ``There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.'' In other words a good offense wins. -- Senator Dan Quayle, in a speech to the City Club of Chicago, comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO, 9/8/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) * * * [This one might be funny only to lawyers.] A law professor, a Circuit Judge and a District Judge go hunting pheasants. As they walk through the woods, a bird comes flying through the air and the Circuit Judge raises his shotgun. As he takes aim, he lectures his colleagues: "There is a four-part test to determine whether a bird is a pheasant.. First, the bird must have a long neck. Second, the neck must have a ring-like pattern. Third, the bird's body must be large with brilliant colors. Fourth, it must have a long, feathered tail." By the time the Circuit Judge finishes applying the test, the bird is way out of range. A while later, another bird comes along and the law professor takes aim. "This bird meets the test," he says, "but it is flying over a stream. Accordingly, we must consider the policy implications of using lead shot which may fall into the water, be consumed by fish and other species, and have an adverse impact on the ecosystem." By the time the professor gets done weighing the policy factors, the bird is in the next county. After a while another bird flies out over the stream. The District Judge aims at the bird, fires both barrels and kills it. "Damn," he says, "I sure hope that was a pheasant." * * * How to Win Arguments: I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Just follow these simple rules: * Drink Liquor. Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room. * Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian-economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house." * Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge a statement like that. * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples and oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873 . . ." Your opponents says: "Lincoln died in 1865." You say: "You're begging the question." OR You say: "Liberians, like most Asians . . ." Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa." You say: "You're being defensive." * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. NOTE: Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons. * * * Darwin Award Each year, the Darwin Award goes to the person who does the gene pool the biggest favor by killing himself in the most ridiculous way possible. Last year's Darwin Award was given to a man crushed to death by a Coke machine from which he was attempting to yank a free soda. Front runner this year: Mystery owner of a jet-propelled Chevy Impala. The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. The wreckage resembled that of an airplane crash, but it was a car--make and model unidentifiable at the scene. A lab figured out the story. It seems the driver had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off--actually a solid fuel rocket) that's used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" taking off from short airfields. He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the jet device. The cops calculate that the driver of the car . . . hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 3 miles from the crash site, where the asphalt was scorched and melted. Reaching maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds, the driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dogfighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event. The car remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. It became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet and leaving a black crater three feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. * * * On Proofreading . . . Brother Harold was a monk who had worked all his life as a scribe, copying the holy writs of the Catholic church from generation to generation. He was getting on in age, and Brother Jonathan, a young man who had recently become part of the order, was his apprentice scribe. One day, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Harold if, in copying the writs by hand over thousands of years, anyone had ever made a mistake. "Oh, no," said Brother Harold emphatically. "The most recent copy is just as accurate as the first. In fact, I will get the original from the library so that you may see for yourself." With that, Brother Harold went to the library to retrieve the precious documents. Hours passed, and Brother Jonathan began to get worried. He decided to check on Brother Harold, and so made his way to the library. When he got there, Brother Jonathan discovered that Brother Harold was kneeling at his desk, the flickering candlelight sparkling in the tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. "What is wrong?" asked Brother Jonathan. Brother Harold slowly looked up from his reverie, raised his hands into the air, and proclaimed: "The word is CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!" * * * Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Assassins do it from behind. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. * * * Steve Wrightisms What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why is the word abbreviation so long? When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? * * * To all you MBAs out there . . . YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY TO GRADUATE FROM BUSINESS SCHOOL WHEN . . . 1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. 2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization." 3. You refer to dating as test marketing. 4. You can spell "paradigm." 5. You actually know what a paradigm is. 6. You understand your airline's fare structure. 7. You write executive summaries on your love letters. 8. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten-page paper with six other people you don't know. 9. You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization, with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is facing ever increasing competition . . ." 10. You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an "ineffective handling of an administrative situation." 11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." 12. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint. 13. You calculate your own personal cost of capital. 14. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." 15. You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller," and then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her. 16. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's asses." 17. You actually believe your explanation in number 15. 18. You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation. 19. You enjoy using an HP-12C. 20. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost." 21. Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function. 22. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO." 23. Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window . . ." 24. You believe CAPM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity. 25. You believe CAPM. 26. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. 27. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend. 28. You refer to divorce as "divestiture." 29. Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall Street Journal. 30. None of your favorite publications have cartoons. 31. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. 32. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. 33. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity. 34. You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it will blow up given the day's weather conditions . . . 35. and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out. 36. You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment. 37. You refer to your job rejections as the idiosyncratic risk you face. 38. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. 39. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection. 40. You give constructive feedback to your dog. * * * >From the collection of Leslie Pearson, an excerpt from Car and Driver: Ten Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars: 1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast--but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years. 8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas. 9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them. 10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt. * * * President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine guard sharply salutes him as usual. Clinton says: "I'd like to salute you back, son, but as you can see my hands are full." The Marine replies: "Yes, Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!" President Clinton responds: "These aren't just any ordinary pigs, Marine. They are pure Arkansas Razorback pigs!" The Marine replies: "Yes, Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks, Sir!" The President then responds: "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea." The Marine guard then replies: "Yes Sir! Mighty good trade, Sir!" Editors Notes: Let me just say, I like Hillary--and think she's tried to do a good job . . . so there, if you were offended by the above joke, you hopefully now feel better. And if you liked the above joke, then you are probably now offended at the thought of someone liking Hillary. What'cha gonna do? Anyway, Thanks for sending these in! * * * from The Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up. Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Honorable Mentions On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield) On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg) On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean) On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas) On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington) On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon) On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg) On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown) On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill.) On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington) On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon) On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney) On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville) On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington). _________________________________________________________ Algebraic Sociology After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches, a new understanding can be reached in regard to the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and, as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time-worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4) Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5). Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make. Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. >From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done. What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know. Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge >From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0. What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work. Working out the socio-economic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader. -------------------------------------------------------------------- *Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? * Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? * Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? * Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? * If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? * If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? * If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? * If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? * You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? * Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? * Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? * Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? * You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? * Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? * Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? * These men should have been considered some of the world's most Successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?" The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" "Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar. "I may be just a parrot," replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- > >These are from the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. >They are a set of questions asked of witnesses during trials and the >author says they are true. > >1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, >he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" > >2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is >he?" > >3. "Were you alone, or by yourself?" > >4. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" > >5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed >in the war?" > >6. "Did he kill you?" > >7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the >collision?" > >8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" > >9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" > >10. Q: "So the date of conception(of the baby), was >Aug.8?" > A: "Yes." > Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" > >11. Q: "She had three children, right?" > A: "Yes." > Q: "How many were boys?" > A: "None." > Q: "Were there any girls?" > >12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the >basement?" > A: "Yes." > Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" > >13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate >honeymoon, didn't you?" > A: "I went to Europe, sir." > Q: "And you took your new wife?" > >14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" > A: "By death." > Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" > >15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" > A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." > Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" > >16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant >to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" > A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." > >17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you >performed on dead people?" > A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead >people." > >18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What >school did you go to?" > A: "Oral." > >19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the >body?" > A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." > Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" > A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table >wondering why I was doing an autopsy." > >20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" > A: "No, I ws shot midway between the fracas and >the navel." > >21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" > A: "I have been since early childhood." > ------------------------------------------------------------------ >>> > The New Priest >>> > >>> > A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could >>> > hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had >>> > done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about >>> > getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next >>> > to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a >>> > sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. >>> > >>> > At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took >>> > a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to >>> > his office after mass, he found the following note on his >>> > door: >>> > >>> > 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. >>> > 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. >>> > 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. >>> > 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. >>> > 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. >>> > 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. >>> > 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to >>> > as Daddy, Junior and Spook. >>> > 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of >>> > him. >>> > 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his >>> > donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. >>> > 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! >>> > 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he >>> > said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he >>> > did not say, "Eat me." >>> > 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary >>> > with the Cherry." >>> > 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: >>> > "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." >>> > 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at >>> > St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. >>> > Taffy's. ========================================= Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth surgeon said, "I like Engineers . . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end." The fifth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." _______________ A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fogbank. He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk. "Excuse me!" he yells. "Where am I?" "You're in a helicopter," she replies. The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport. "That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?" "Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft tech support." _________________ The O.J. Trial as Told by Dr. Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! hey, leave it be! When I came home I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side. >From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A year! A year! just sitting here! The DNA, the HEM-The HAW! The circus-hype The viewers saw! A year! A year! just sitting here! And lawyers charge by the hour I fear! If I'm found guilty I will appeal! Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal! I'll wheedle and whine--I'll cut a deal! If it's "not guilty" so glad I'll feel Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. Did you hit her from above. Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Hey now I'm free- Give back my glove!!!!! _____________ The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS." ----------------------------------------------------------- Strange Accidents Happen An incredibly unlucky man was in a strange accident, and was trying to collect insurance money for his suffering. After reviewing the claim the insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. "Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100.00 bill. Who picks it up?...The dumb blonde because there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy or a smart blonde. The blonde and brunette are tossed off a 50 story building. Who hits the ground first...the brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions. Why did the blonde couple freeze to death in their car at a drive in theater...they went to see "closed for the winter". Why can't blondes get a job in a pharmacist...they keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Two blondes were walking through some woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." While they were arguing over what kind of tracks they were a train came by and ran both over them. A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"..."Oh, I'm sorry...do you want me to start over and talk slower?" A blonde goes into the hair parlor with her walkman on and the hair stylist says "I need to take the walkman off". The blonde replies, "You can't I'll die". The stylist says "But I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears". The blonde states "You can't take it off, I'll die". Flustered the hair stylist grabs the walkman and takes it off of the head of the blonde...the blonde dies. The police come and listen to the walkman...it is repeating "breath in, breath out, breath..." A blonde was driving through Iowa, past some corn fields, when she looked over and saw another blonde. She was sitting in the corn rows and was rowing like she was in a boat. The blonde called over to the one in the corn field and said "It is stupid blondes like you that gives the rest of us blondes a bad name. I would come over there and knock your head off.......if I could swim." A policeman pulled a blonde over while she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street...cop: Do you know where you are going?...blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people are leaving. Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 62 1/2 hours...the directions said "cook it for half an hour per pound, she weighed 125 pounds. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Men's guide to selecting an outfit (fwd) ---------- ----------- ------------------- | Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | |clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random | | dresser? | |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?| ---------- ----------- ------------------- | Yes | Yes | Yes | No +------------------------------------ V | ------- V | Buy | --------------- | more | | Take whatever | |clothes| | is on top | ------- --------------- ----------------------- | | | V V | -------- No --------- ----------- | Is |------------>| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray | | it | Not sure | smell |------------->| with | | clean? |------------>| test | | deodorant | -------- --------- ----------- | Yes | "Not bad" +-------------------- | V -------------- --------- |For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | holes? |----------------->| visible?|-------- -------------- --------- | | No | No V +------------------------------ ------------- | |Place item on| | | dirty pile; | | | start over | | ------------- V --------- ------------ ---------------------- | Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes | But would you rather | |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| have a tick on your | --------- ------------ | eyeball than iron a | | No | No | shirt? | | | ---------------------- | | | Yes +------------------------------------------------ | V -------- Kinda ------- ----------- | Does |------------------>| Is it | No | Seek the | | it | "Does it what?" | dark |------->| advice of | | match? |------------------>| out? | | a female | -------- ------- ----------- | Yes | Yes +-------------------------- | V ---------- | Put on | | clothes! | ---------- -------------------------------------------------------------------- >These are Real Headlines, assembled by Jay Leno >------------------------------------ > >- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says > >- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers > >- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted > >- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case > >- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents > >- Farmer Bill Dies in House > >- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms > >- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? > >- Stud Tires Out > >- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope > >- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over > >- Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again > >- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands > >- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms > >- Eye Drops off Shelf > >- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids > >- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead > >- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim > >- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 > >- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax > >- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told > >- Miners Refuse to Work after Death > >- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant > >- Stolen Painting Found by Tree > >- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies > >- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter > >- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years > >- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 > >- War Dims Hope for Peace > >- If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, it May Last a While > >- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures > >- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide > >- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge > >- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group > >- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft > >- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks > >- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy > >- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire > >- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply > >- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood > >- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees > >- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half > >- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies > >- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing > >- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing >Air Head Fired > >- Steals Clock, Faces Time > >- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff > >- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni > >- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board > >- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors > >- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction > >- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training > >- Include your Children when Baking Cookies > ------------------------------------------------------------- >If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. >If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. >If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. >If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. >If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg. >If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. >If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman >Munster, >she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster. >If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. >If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. >If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. >How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. >If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. >Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, >so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare. >If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan >Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (I really had to think about this one to get it!) >If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, >then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King. >If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu >the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu. >If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar >(of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener. >If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory >Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur. If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- >>>Christmas cutbacks >>> >>> The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take >>> >>> the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of >>> concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other >>> restructuring decisions at the North Pole. >>> >>> Streamlining was is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the >>> >>> season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and >>>mail >>> order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not >>> >>> sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. >>> >>> The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a >>> late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved >>> productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard >>> Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also >>> lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has >>> >>> received unfavorable press. >>> >>> I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be >>>disturbed. >>> Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management >>> denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that >>> Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance >>> abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did >>> >>> pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one >>>of >>> Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he >>>is >>> known to be under executive stress. >>> >>> As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the >>> North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. >>> Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take >>> place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: >>> >>> - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned >>>out >>> to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic >>> >>> hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; >>> >>> - The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not >>> cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours >>> could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated; >>> >>> - The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone >>> loves the French; >>> >>> - The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail >>> system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to >>> determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long >>> >>> they talked; >>> >>> - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of >>> Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could >>> have negative implications for institutional investors. >>> Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of >>> T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order; >>> >>> - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer >>>be >>> afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one >>> egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in >>> productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in >>>the >>> selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from >>> >>> now on every goose it gets will be a good one; >>> >>> - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better >>> times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans >>> are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some >>> new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement; >>> >>> - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under >>> heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the >>>workforce >>> is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end >>> >>> job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit >>> >>> the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching; >>> >>> - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function >>> will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no >>> longer do the steps; >>> >>> - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the >>> expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation >>> Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work >>> congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, >>> the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of >>> unemployed congressmen this year; >>> >>> - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple >>>case >>> of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string >>> quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce >>> savings which will drop right down to the bottom line; >>> >>> We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, >>> animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate >>>that >>> stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can >>> drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. >>> >>> Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking >>> expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen >>> lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. >>> >>> Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be >>> necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, >>>the >>> Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division >>> to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. >>> >>> Happy Holidays! ---------------------------------------------- >It's the 1930's and the Empire State Building in New York just >opened. This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the >building. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the >bar next to another guy and gets a Scotch. >"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. >"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". >"Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting >on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm >sitting on was on the Titanic." >"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but >you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the >wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out >you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're >pushed back up." >"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, >take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, >followed closely by the first man. >He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops >10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He >comes right back up and sails back through the window. >"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it, I don't >even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, >I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. >He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and >whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. >"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says. "Well, what the hell, >I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out >the window. He falls 10...20...30... >40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as >road pizza on the sidewalk. >After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy >casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders >another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, >"You know Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk". ---------------------------------------------------------------- THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS: Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. --------------------------------------------------------------- *** Joke of the Day! http://www.joker.org/ __________________________________________________________________________ > > Once upon a time....these three guys are out having a relaxing >day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set >free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just >doesn't believe it, and says: > "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." > The mermaid says: "Done." > Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and >analysing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to >the mermaid: > "Wow, can you triple my I.Q.?" The mermaid says: "Done." > The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to >problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: >physics, chemistry, etc. > The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, >that he says to the mermaid: "Quintiple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at >him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds >when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." > The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, >and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid >"You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on >the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, >anything?" > But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having >his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed >and said: "Done." > And he became a woman. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- >THE O.J. TRIAL, AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS: >I did not kill my lovely wife. >I did not slash her with a knife. >I did not bonk her on the head. >I did not know that she was dead. >I stayed at home that fateful night. >I took a cab, then took a flight. >The bag I had was just for me. >My bag! My bag! hey, leave it be! >When I came home I had a gash. >My hand was cut from broken glass. >I cut my hand on broken glass. >A broken glass did cause that gash. >My friend, he took me for a ride. >All through LA, from side to side. >From north to south, we took a ride. >But from the cops we could not hide. >My trial lasted for a year. >A year! A year! just sitting here! >The DNA, the HEM-The HAW! >The circus-hype The viewers saw! >A year! A year! just sitting here! >And lawyers charge by the hour I fear! >If I'm found guilty I will appeal! >Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal! >I'll wheedle and whine- I'll cut a deal! >If it's "not guilty" so glad I'll feel >Did you do this awful crime? >Did you do this anytime? >I did not do this awful crime. >I could not, would not anytime. >Did you take this person's life? >Did you do it with a knife? >I did not do it with a knife. >I did not, could not kill my wife. >I did not do this awful crime. >I could not, would not anytime. >Did you hit her from above. >Did you drop this bloody glove? >I did not hit her from above. >I cannot even wear that glove. >I did not do it with a knife. >I did not, could not kill my wife. >I did not do this awful crime. >I could not, would not, anytime. >And now I'm free, I can return >To my house for which I yearn. >And to my family whom I love. >Hey now I'm free- Give back my glove!!!!! --------------------------------------------------------- > >> Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of >> his lesser known relatives... >> >> The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...U. Gogh >> >> The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white...Hue Gogh >> >> The sister who wore a mini skirt and like to dance in bars... Go Gogh >> >> The real obnoxious brother ... Please Gogh >> >> The brother who ate prunes ... Gotta Gogh >> >> The uncle who worked at a convenience store....Stop N Gogh >> >> His dizzy aunt ...Verti Gogh >> >> The cousin that moved to Illinois ...Chica Gogh >> >> His magician uncle ... Wherediddy Gogh >> >> The cousin who lived in Mexico ...Amee Gogh >> >> Another cousin who lived in Mexico ....Grin Gogh >> >> Nephew that drove a stage coach ...Wells Far Gogh >> >> Uncle who was constipated ... Cant Gogh >> >> Aunt who was a good dancer ..... Tan Gogh >> >> the cousine who owned a fruits farm ... Man Gogh >> >> the niece who worked in McDonald's ...Forhereor T. Gogh >> -- >> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ >> "There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured >> by his number." San Diego Padres announcer Jerry Coleman >> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ___________________________________________________________________________ DEAR ANN LANDERS: I've noticed that you've printed several amusing columns containing messed-up facts about history, science, etc. Here's one you might want to share with your readers. It was printed in the Vancouver Sun and contains real answers given on a Bible knowledge test. --Your Friend in Chicago Dear Chicago Friend: Loved it! I'm sure my readers will, too. Thank You. 1. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. 2. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and ball of fire by night. 3. Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. 4. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery." 5. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 6. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 7. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 Decibels. 8. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 9. One of the opossums was St. Matthew. 10. Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Harrod's. 11. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 12. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. 13. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals. 14. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. ____________________________________________________________________________ RETIREMENT (FROM A CHILD'S VIEW) After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following: "We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they wear name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, early birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck." My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out." -------------------------------------------------------------------- > PONDERABLES > > If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? > > When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? > > How did a fool and his money GET together? > > How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? > > If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? > > What's another word for thesaurus? > > Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? > > What do they use to ship Styrofoam? > > How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? > > Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste > funny? > > Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep that the shepherd hasn't caught > yet? > > When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? > > Does fuzzy logic tickle? > > Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? > > Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special > Olympics? > > If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? > > What was the best thing before sliced bread? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > Excerpts from News of the Weird > > Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an > airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 > bills. > > ************************************************************ > > A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old > friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two > practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. > > ************************************************************ > > A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety > record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the > use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial > Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial > accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered > minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. > Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches > after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the > film. > > ************************************************************ > > The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear > weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one > within city limits. > > ************************************************************ > > A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in > St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, > fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to > complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. > > ************************************************************ > > Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years > on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the > 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to > 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the > copier with the shredder. > > ************************************************************ > > A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few > days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for > robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to > see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized > his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse > in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. > > ************************************************************ > > Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by > placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with > wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was > placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button > each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. > Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect > confessed. > > ************************************************************ > > When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, > refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the > man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so > the robber called the police and was arrested. > > ************************************************************ > > A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," > stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an > officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. > > ************************************************************ ------------------------------------------- > >Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing >corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big >multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural >differences. For example... > >Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an >American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." > >The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. >Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands >of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" >or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke >then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic >equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as >"happiness in the mouth." > >In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the >Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back >from the dead." > >Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' >good" came out as "eat your fingers off." > >The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got >translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel >so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." > >When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was >apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company >figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its >Spanish markets to the Caribe. > >Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The >company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male >genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, >which means horse. > >When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were >supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." >However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" >meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your >pocket and make you pregnant." > >An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish >market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw >the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato." > >Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a >tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. >A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all >over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make >a chicken aroused." > >Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros >Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." >In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable >effect on sales. > >Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a >notorious porno mag. > >In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name >into Schweppes Toilet Water. > >Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered >English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex >tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist >Company changed its name. > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (6 6) >>>>Aphorisms >>>> >>>>1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and >>>> give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie >>>> >>>>3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, >>>> involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The >>>> hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": >>>> 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. >>>> -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course >>>> >>>>4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the >>>> unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, >>>> The New York Times, 1960 >>>> >>>>5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all >>>> the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." >>>> >>>>7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. >>>> >>>>10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years >>>> and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make >>>> some of the worst movies in the history of the world. >>>> -- Dave Barry >>>> >>>>11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian >>>> because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown >>>> >>>>12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely >>>> rearranging their prejudices. -- William James > >>>>15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in >>>> the streets? >>>> -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate >>>> >>>>16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an >>>> infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without >>>> even considering if there are men on base. >>>> -- Dave Barry >>>> >>>>18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.. >>>> >>>>19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your >>>> triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion >>>> Chinese couldn't care less. >>>> >>>>22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. >>>> >>>>23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a >>>> mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones >>>> >>>>24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn >>>> from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their >>>> apparent disinclination to do so. >>>> -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_ >>>> >>>>25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not >>>> important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying >>>> me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. >>>>-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney >>>>29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. >>>> -- George Carlin >>>> >>>>30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. >>>> >>>>31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent >>>> revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy >>>> >>>>32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of >>>> which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant >>>> >>>>33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. >>>> -- Ashleigh Brilliant >>>> >>>>35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. >>>> >>>>36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing >>>> that way. >>>> >>>>38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, >>>> Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". >>>> Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace >>>> your principles or your mistress." >>>>41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but >>>> then I realized that I had no character. >>>> -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself >>>> "the Charles Barkley of figure skating" >>>> >>>>42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. >>>> A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently >>>> invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable >>>> language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967 >>>> >>>>45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of >>>> Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain >>>> >>>>46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they >>>> don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the >>>> world. >>>> Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? >>>> >>>>51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" >>>> EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air >>>> and scatter oneself over a wide area." >>>> -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 >>>> >>>>52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. >>>> -- Plutarch >>>> >>>>53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone >>>> wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than >>>> one night." >>>> -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz] >>>> >>>>55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant >>>> intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average >>>> adult. -- Sigmund Freud >>>> >>>>56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, >>>> but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson >>>> >>>>57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain >>>> >>>>58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog > > > > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Bill Gates in the After Life _________________________________________________________________ Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God.... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????" "That was the demo," replied God. ----------------------------------------------------------- _________________________________________________________________ CAPTION: A Dictionary of Useful Research Phrases Research Phrase Translation It has long been known... I didn't look up the original reference. A definite trend is evident... These data are are practically meaningless. Of great theoretical and practical importance... Interesting to me. While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study... The results of the others didn't make any sense. Typical results are shown... The best results are shown. These results will be shown in a subsequent report... I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed. The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones... He was my graduate assistant. It is believed that... I think. It is generally believed that... A couple of other people think so too. It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon occurs... I don't understand it. Correct within an order of magnitude... Wrong. It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field... This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic. Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to George Frink for valuable discussions... Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant. A careful analysis of obtainable data... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: 38 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. I wonder how many angels could dance on his head? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > Classified Ads (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city > newspapers) > > Illiterate? Write today for free help. > > Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, >you'll > never go anywhere again. > > Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, >and > smacks included. > > Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. > > Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to >travel. > > Stock up and save. Limit: one. > > Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale. > > 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. > > Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for > efficient beating. > > Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off-head illusion. Blue > > Cross and salary. > > Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children >$2. 00 > > For sale; and antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and >large > drawers. > > Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair >to > take home, too. > > We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully >by > hand. > > For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. > > Great Dames for sale. > > Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful >condition. > > > Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. > > Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. > > Mr. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. > > Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. > > The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and > > other athletic facilities. > > Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. > > Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. > Automatically burns toast. > > For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. > > Man, honest. Will take anything. > > Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. > > Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. > > Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. > > Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. > > Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. > > Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to >assume > general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to > growth of family. > > And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, > unrivaled inconvenience. > > We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home >for > $1.00. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE RULES The FEMALE always makes THE RULES. THE RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification. No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows THE RULES she must immediately change some or all THE RULES. The FEMALE is never wrong. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time. The MALE may never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE. The FEMALE has the right to be angry or upset at any time. The MALE must remain clam at all times¯unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset. The FEMALE must under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to angry or upset. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready. The MALE must be ready at all times. The MALE is expected to read the FEMALE mind at all times. The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp . . . Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. If the FEMALE has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island Theory The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents one of the seven deadly sins. Now, although this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan. Run with me on this one... Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGuyver".) For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.) And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends. What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED. We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did nothing during her many years on the island and everybody knows it. This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins. So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there? Gilligan. Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it. __________________________________________________________________ Only in America....... You may recall a Darwin award from not too long ago where a guy decided to strap a cargo plane rocket booster to his car to see how fast it would go and ended up hitting a cliff several hundred feet in the air (& the guy who got flattened trying to break into a coke machine). Here's one more. This story was clipped from the recent Darwin awards, which people get for doing something incredibly stupid. True stories. Here's the winner: Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, as hard as you may find it to believe . . . Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying. Then one day, Larry had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and bought forty-five weather balloons, and several tanks of helium. These were not your brightly colored party balloons, these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep, and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float into the sky, and eventually back to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didnt float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple of hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying. So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about how to get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet, with a gun in his lap. Now there's a conversation I would have given anything to have heard! LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him, but the rescue team had a hard time getting to him because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his home-made contraption farther and farther away. Eventually, they were able to hover above him and drop a rescue line, with which they gradually hauled him back to safety. As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was led away in handcuffs, a television reporter called out, "Sir, whyd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around!" BELIEVE IT OR NOT BUT IT'S TRUE!!! _______________________________________________________ Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine. GRAND PRIZE WINNER When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. RUNNERS-UP: #1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. #2 Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. #3 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. #4 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells." ---------------------------------------------------------------- EVER READY COLLEGE Winter Semester 1997 SELF-IMPROVEMENT S1 500 Creative Suffering S1 501 Overcoming Peace of Mind S1 502 You and Your Birthmarks S1 503 Guilt Without Sex S1 504 The Primal Shrug S1 505 Ego Gratification through Violence S1 506 Molding Your Child's Behaviour Through Guilt and Fear S1 507 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression S1 508 Whine Your Way to Alienation S1 509 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense & Ostentation BUSINESS AND CAREER BC 101 How I Made $100 in Real Estate BC 102 Money Can Make You Rich BC 103 Packaging and Selling Your Children BC 104 Career Opportunities in El Salvador BC 105 How to Profit From Your Own Body BC 106 The Underachiever's Guide to the Very Small BC 107 Tax Shelters for The Indigent BC 108 Looter's Guide to American Cities BC 109 Mortgage Reduction Through Arson ARTS AND CRAFTS AC 303 Self-Actualization through Macrame AC 304 Needlecraft for Junkies AC 305 Cuticle Crafts AC 306 Gifts for the Senile AC 307 Bonsai Your Pet AC 308 How to Draw Genitals ECONOMICS EC 403 Convert Your Kirby Vacuum to a Fully-Automatic Rifle EC 404 How to Convert Your Family Room into a Garage EC 405 Burglarproof Your Home with Cement EC 406 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy EC 407 Sinus Drainage at Home EC 408 1001 -- Uses for your Kirby Vaccuum EC 409 Repair and Maintenance of your Virginity EC 410 How to Convert a wheelchair into a Dune Buggy EC 411 Christianity and the Art of R.V. Maintenance EC 412 Cat. Hair Macrame EC 413 What to do With Your Conversation pit HEALTH AND FITNESS HF 202 Creative Tooth Decay HF 203 Exorcism and Acne HF 204 The Joys of Hypochondria HF 205 High Fiber Sex HF 206 Suicide and Your Health HF 207 Biofeedback and How to Stop HF 203 Skate Yourself to Regularity HF 209 Understanding Nudity HF 210 Tap Dance your Way to Ridicule HF 211 Optional Body Functions HF 212 Dressing Right/Dressing Left -- How it can Change Your Life HF 213 The Braille System of Anatomy ------------------------------------------------------------- Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! -------------------------------------------------------------------- God was fed up. In a crash of thunder, he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans : Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment, " God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth. Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news, " he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week." In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week." Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth, " he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 95." --------------------------------------------------------------------- >>>>Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take >>>> to change a light bulb? >>>> >>>>A: 1,331: >>>> >>>> 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail >>>> list that the light bulb has been changed >>>> >>>> 14 to share similar experiences of changing light >>>> bulbs and how the light bulb could have been >>>> changed differently. >>>> >>>> 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. >>>> >>>> 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about >>>> changing light bulbs. >>>> >>>> 53 to flame the spell checkers >>>> >>>> 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about >>>> the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness >>>> to this mail list. >>>> >>>> 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. >>>> >>>> 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and >>>> to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb >>>> >>>> 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, >>>> alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing >>>> light bulbs be stopped. >>>> >>>> 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we >>>> are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts >>>> **are** relevant to this mail list. >>>> >>>> 306 to debate which method of changing light >>>> bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, >>>> what brand of light bulbs work best for this >>>> technique, and what brands are faulty. >>>> >>>> 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of >>>> different light bulbs >>>> >>>> 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and >>>> to post corrected URLs. >>>> >>>> 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that >>>> are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs >>>> relevant to this list. >>>> >>>> 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote >>>> them including all headers and footers, and then >>>> add "Me Too." >>>> >>>> 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing >>>> because they cannot handle the light bulb >>>> controversey. >>>> >>>> 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." >>>> >>>> 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. >>>> >>>> 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. >>>> >>>> 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion >>>> was meant for, leave it here. >>>> >>>> 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. ------------------------------------------------------------------ OK, more Anguished English coming your way. This is a series of quotes from various newspapers. Believe me, I can relate to typos like these: In Sunday's "Telegraph" Dorothy Harlen writes about a teenage prostitute who refuses to change her way of life despite the pleas of her mother. For home delivery, phone 448-6200. A man was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct after he was found nude in a car at a hotel parking lot. A woman staying at the hotel said a man, wearing only a T-shirt, confronted her near her room. The woman told police she chased the man, but he escaped. The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo. Recent tests conducted by a zoologist prove that grasshoppers hear with their legs. In all cases the insects hopped when a tuning fork was sounded nearby. there was no reaction to this stimulus, however, when the insects' legs had been removed. He called on the Kentucky legislature to clarify the state abortion statute to define whether it applied to pregnant women. 7:30 p.m.- PM Magazine. Featured: Restaurants that will, for a small fee, bring you breakfast in bed and Lou Ferrigno the Incredible Hulk "Bodywatch," a new series, begins with a special at 9 tonight on channel 2. Tonight's program focuses on stress, exercise, nutrition and sex with Celtic forward Scott Wedman, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, and Dick Cavett. La Leche Leagure will discuss breast feeding at two meetings- Tuesday in the West Side and Thursday in the East Side. Osborne chased it around the back of the net, dug the puck off the sideboards, and fired a pass to Poddubny, who beat Buffalo goaltender Tom Barrasso between the legs. One can peek in most any evening on this home-loving young actress and find her cuddled up in an easy chair with a good boob before a crackling log fire. The Idaho State quarterback pissed 356 yards and guided his team to a 41-21 victory over Drake. Field condition was a contributing factor. Migraines strike twice as many women as do men. The sewer expansion project is nearing completion, but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here are some headlines: POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT 4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION IS THERE ARING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS? STUD TIRES OUT PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE PANDA MATING FAILS: VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN COLUMNIST GETS UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE WITH HIS PEERS DR. RUTH TO TAK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS CITY PACTS FIGHT BOILS REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66 ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN BLIND WOMAN GETS KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERTS SAY ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are some grammar problems. Mostly there isn't any agreement, so you can't tell what's referring to who. Yoko Ono will talk about her husband, John Lennon, who was killed in an interview with Barbara Walters. One couldn't help but be award of the stallion Royal Rick sitting in the stands the last couple of nights. Breaking into the window of the girls' dormitory, the dean of men surprised 10 members of the football team. Do not sit in chair without being fully assembled. Washed from a layer of mudstone estimated to be more than 3 million years old, a young American anthropologist has found several leg bones and a skull fragment. Farmhand Joe Mobbs hoists a cow injured while giving birth to its feet. No one was injured in the blast, which was attributed to a buildup of gas by one town official. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This last one is from a court case. Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding al lthe restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station. A. MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >>>>101 Ways To Irritate People >>>> >>>>1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. >>>> >>>>2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "blowjob". >>>> >>>>3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". >>>> >>>>4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in >>>> public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." >>>> >>>>5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your >>>> pen while talking to others. >>>> >>>>6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder >>>> to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. >>>> >>>>7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. >>>> >>>>8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. >>>> >>>>9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, >>>> and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your >>>> grub." >>>> >>>>10. Leave the copy machine set to enlarge 200%, extra dark, >>>> 17 inch paper, 99 copies. >>>> >>>>11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. >>>> >>>>12. Sniffle incessantly. >>>> >>>>13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. >>>> >>>>14. Name your dog "Dog." >>>>15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in >>>> all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." >>>> >>>>16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU >>>> think." >>>> >>>>17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part >>>> of your "astronaut training." >>>> >>>>18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue >>>> your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." >>>> >>>>19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the >>>> listener it was a "real hoot." >>>> >>>>20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything >>>> they touch with a can of Lysol. >>>> >>>>21. Practice making fax and modem noises. >>>> >>>>22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and >>>> "cc:" them to your boss. >>>> >>>>23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. >>>> >>>>24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see >>>> if people play along to avoid the appearance of >>>> ignorance. >>>> >>>>25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and >>>> tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." >>>> >>>>26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance >>>> with prophesy." >>>> >>>>27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. >>>> >>>>28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, >>>> producing awkward silences with the impression that >>>> you'll be saying more any moment. >>>> >>>>29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands >>>> over your ears. >>>> >>>>30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink >>>> cartridge across the room. >>>> >>>>31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a >>>> nasal Howard Cosell voice. >>>> >>>>32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. >>>> >>>>33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are >>>> green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." >>>> >>>>34. Drum on every available surface. >>>> >>>>35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. >>>> >>>>36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. >>>> >>>>37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI >>>> copyright warnings. >>>> >>>>38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. >>>> >>>>39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. >>>> >>>>40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. >>>> >>>>41. Set alarms for random times. >>>> >>>>42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. >>>> >>>>43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. >>>> >>>>44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a >>>> "croaking" noise. >>>> >>>>45. Honk and wave to strangers. >>>> >>>>46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. >>>> >>>>47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every >>>> show. >>>> >>>>48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic >>>> parts of rental movies. >>>> >>>>49. Wear your pants backwards. >>>> >>>>50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat >>>> their complimentary mints by the cash register. >>>> >>>>51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" >>>> >>>>52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. >>>> >>>>53. only type in lowercase. >>>> >>>>54. dont use any punctuation either >>>> >>>>55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute >>>> whole streets. >>>> >>>>56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. >>>> >>>>57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. >>>> >>>>58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. >>>> >>>>59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of >>>> someone's roadmaps. >>>> >>>>60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy >>>> asassination/ UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories. >>>> >>>>61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you >>>> hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." >>>> >>>>62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. >>>> >>>>63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their >>>> parsley. >>>> >>>>64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. >>>> >>>>65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." >>>> >>>>66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. >>>> >>>>67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman >>>> smells" until physically restrained. >>>> >>>>68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." >>>> >>>>69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. >>>> >>>>70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. >>>> >>>>71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. >>>> >>>>72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the >>>> bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed >>>> it up," and repeat. >>>> >>>>74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. >>>> >>>>75. Ask people what gender they are. >>>> >>>>76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the >>>> cookie parts back in the tray. >>>> >>>>77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a >>>> Southern draw l. >>>> >>>>78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the >>>> curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes." >>>> >>>>79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in >>>> co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or >>>> the Mr. Rogers theme song. >>>> >>>>80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head >>>> like a parakeet. >>>> >>>>81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of >>>> day. >>>> >>>>82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. >>>> >>>>83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory >>>> of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian >>>> name, and demand that people pronounce each "a". >>>> >>>>84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing >>>> cars to seeif they slow down. >>>> >>>>85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. >>>> >>>>86. Wear a LOT of cologne. >>>> >>>>87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the >>>> faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental >>>> processing." >>>> >>>>88. Sing along at the opera. >>>> >>>>89. Mow your lawn with scissors. >>>> >>>>90. At a golf tournament, chant >>>> "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" >>>> >>>>91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary >>>> friend." >>>> >>>>92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't >>>> rhyme. >>>> >>>>93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then >>>> scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something >>>> about "psychological profiles." >>>> >>>>94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic >>>> picture." >>>> >>>>95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. >>>> >>>>96. Never make eye contact. >>>> >>>>97. Never break eye contact. >>>> >>>>98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. >>>> >>>>99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people >>>> with it, announcing the results. >>>> >>>>100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. >>>> >>>>101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. >>>> >>>>102. Forward stupid stuff like this to a friend. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I got this in the (snail) mail from my father today. There's this English teacher who compiles lines from students' papers around the country. He's the one who's published books like "Anguished English." This is entitled "The History of the World" (no, not the Mel Brooks version). I absolutely love Richard Lederer. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdoes of wedlock. Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. The painter Donatello's interest n the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet. Miguel Cervantes wrote "Donkey Hote." John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained." Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the Egnlish put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electicity by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. His name was John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booth's career. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian, and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827 and later died from this. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. ------------------------------------------------------------------ INSURANCE CLAIM THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE DRIVERS TRIED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAIL OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST WORDS POSSIBLE: Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over an embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured but, on removing my hat, found that I had fractured my scull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I saw a slow-moving, dad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! ---------------------------------------------------------------- God was fed up. In a crash of thunder, he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans : Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment, " God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth. Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news, " he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week." In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week." Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth, " he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 95." ****************************************************************************** CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: he then must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.) Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better. ************************************************************************ Inspirational message: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Fri Apr 25 14:33:03 1997 Date: Tue, 1 Apr 1997 09:01:19 -0500 (EST) From: Becky Miro To: Bear Left , Carla Massengill , Angie , Valerie Stokes , Bill Kraynek , Mark Weiss , Eric Johnson , Catherine Hernandez Subject: Fw: Funny (fwd) >---------- Forwarded message ---------- >> >> >> >Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" >> >contest. >> > >> >They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences >> >that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) >> > >> >He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like >> >a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without >> >one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the >> >country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at >> >a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. >> >(Joseph Romm, Washington) >> > >> >She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that >> >used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you >> >banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) >> > >> >The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a >> >bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) >> > >> >McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag >> >filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) >> > >> >>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an >> >eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another >> >city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy >> >Ashley, Washington) >> > >> >Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. >> >(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) >> > >> >Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the >> >center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) >> > >> >Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access >> >T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung >> >by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) >> > >> >Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) >> > >> >He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy >> >Chase) >> > >> >The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when >> >you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) >> > >> >Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a >> >movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like >> >"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) >> > >> >Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced >> >across the grassy field toward each other like two freight >> >trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 >> >mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. >> >(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) >> > >> >The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the >> >Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) >> > >> >John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who >> >had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) >> > >> >The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin >> >sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a >> >play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) >> > >> >His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances >> >like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, >> >Woodbridge) >> > >> >The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. >> > >> > >> > > From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Fri Apr 25 14:43:30 1997 Date: Tue, 8 Apr 1997 08:01:20 -0400 (EDT) From: Becky Miro To: Bill Kraynek , Mark Weiss , Angie , Catherine Hernandez , Steven Luis , Eric Johnson , Bear Left , Charles Brittain Subject: (Fwd) Engineers explained (fwd) Engineers Explained ------------------- People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation *Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: *Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. LOVE OF "STAR TREK" Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Sat Apr 26 18:41:38 1997 Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 10:50:58 -0400 (EDT) From: Becky Miro To: Cristina Menendez , Lenore Polo , Ita , Stupid Habs Fan , Bill Kraynek , Catherine Hernandez , Eric Johnson , Mark Weiss Subject: Fwd: Lifesavers (fwd) > >* LIFESAVERS * > >A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, >trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With >their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to >pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. >Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, >more flavors than you could ever imagine. > >"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," >announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify >the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them >put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the >children was stumped. > >"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy >and Mommy probably call each other all the time." > >Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his >mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out you guys. They're assholes!" > >******************************************************************* >THIS E-MAIL WAS SENT OUT ON (-; ADAM'S !NAUGHTY! SMILE LIST ;-) >To get info on Adam's lists, send e-mail to smile-info@pobox.com >******************************************************************* > > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious." Michele P. Tam North Carolina State University (919) 512-5229 mptam@unity.ncsu.edu http://www4.ncsu.edu/~mptam/ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Sat Apr 26 18:44:29 1997 Date: Tue, 22 Apr 1997 07:53:32 -0400 (EDT) From: Becky Miro To: Eric Johnson , Catherine Hernandez , Bill Kraynek , Cristina Menendez , Ita , Stupid Habs Fan , Lenore Polo , Angie , Valerie Stokes Subject: FW: Red Necks (fwd) REDNECK COMPUTER DEFINITIONS >>>> ============================ >>>> >>>>"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires >>>>and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. >>>> >>>>"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys. >>>> >>>>"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns. >>>> >>>> "Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip. >>>> >>>> "Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions. >>>> >>>> "ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. >>>> >>>> "Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase. >>>> >>>> "Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with >>>>barnyard stuff. >>>> >>>> "Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line. >>>> >>>> "Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in >>>>order to get a free case. >>>> >>>> "LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck." >>>> >>>> "Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife >>>>and/or girlfriend. >>>> >>>> "bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon >>>>seed across the porch longways." >>>> >>>> "digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote. >>>> >>>> "packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a >>>>trip. >>>>Howdy ya'll! >>>> >>>>But how do you tell if you might be a "high tech redneck" >>>> (source unknown) >>>> >>>> If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com" >>>> >>>> If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" >>>> >>>> If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a >>>>laptop" >>>> >>>> If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and >>>>Wesson" >>>> >>>> If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a >>>>cellular phone. >>>> >>>> If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT" >>>> >>>> If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined >>>> >>>> If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you >>>>still don't miss her >>>> >>>> If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on >>>> >>>> If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" >>>> >>>> If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, >>>>tractor, or farm animal >>>> >>>> If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all" From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Sat Apr 26 18:45:05 1997 Date: Tue, 22 Apr 1997 09:07:01 -0400 (EDT) From: Becky Miro To: Catherine Hernandez , Eric Johnson , Bear Left , Angie , Valerie Stokes , Sugartune , Bill Kraynek Subject: Fwd: FW: Watch who you marry, ladies (fwd) >>>----- >>> >>>If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to >>>marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. >>> >>>If Olivia Newton-John married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him >>>to marry Kenny G., she could go by Olivia Newton-John Ghali G., or she >>>could shorten it to O. Ghali G. or just O. G. >>> >>>If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. >>> >>>If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. >>> >>>If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!) he'd be >>>Cat Doggy Dogg. Or if Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd >>>be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. >>> >>>If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry >>>Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. >>> >>>If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married >>>Jerry Mathers, she might go by Liv Ito Beaver. >>> >>>If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose >>>Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu. >>> >>>If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar >>>(of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener >>>(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener. >>> >>> >>> >> > >ts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lenore M. Polo lpolo@unix1.sncc.lsu.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Sat Apr 26 18:55:44 1997 Date: Tue, 22 Apr 1997 17:19:57 -0400 (EDT) From: Becky Miro To: Bear Left , Sugartune , Angie , Valerie Stokes , Cristina Menendez , Stupid Habs Fan , Bill Kraynek , Mark Weiss Subject: Homerisms (fwd) ------ Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ------ Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get. ------ Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ------ It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ------ Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ------ Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ------ Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! ------ Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is. ------ Operator! Give me the number for 911! ------ Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! ------ Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam) ------ Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! ------ Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? ------ Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) ------ Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? ------ Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. ------ Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! ------ Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy. ------ Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. ------ Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. ------ Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... ------ (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). ------ What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Sat Apr 26 18:58:10 1997 Date: Wed, 23 Apr 1997 08:32:39 -0400 (EDT) From: Becky Miro To: Catherine Hernandez , Eric Johnson , Bill Kraynek , Mark Weiss , Stupid Habs Fan , Ita , Cristina Menendez , Lenore Polo Subject: Stuff you learn from kids (fwd) Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding) There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean "don't worry." A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect). From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Sat Apr 26 19:00:24 1997 Date: Wed, 23 Apr 1997 15:29:14 -0400 (EDT) From: Becky Miro To: Sugartune , Bear Left , Carla Massengill , Angie , Valerie Stokes , Mark Weiss , Bill Kraynek , Charles Brittain , Stupid Habs Fan , Cristina Menendez Subject: Chili (forward) > > Subject: Life of a new chili judge > > The authors name is > Kennedy > > > Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous > Celebrity in my Community, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no > one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in sick at > the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's > table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was > assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that > spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the > tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure > when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. > Here are the scorecards from the event: > > > Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili > > > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. > > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. > > KENNEDY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint > from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. > Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. > > > > Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili > > > JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight > Jalapeno tang. > > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > seriously. > > KENNEDY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted > to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the > beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad > night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake > tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a > face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. > > > Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili > > > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more > beans. > > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. > > KENNEDY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a > uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone > knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to > the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in > the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." > Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." > > > Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic > > > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or > other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > KENNEDY: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to > taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't > have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of > coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute. > > > Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover > > > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground > adding considerable kick. Very impressive. > > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > KENNEDY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I > belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The > contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me > brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from > a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me > to stop screaming. > > > Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > > > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance > of spice and peppers. > > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. > > > Superb. > > KENNEDY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous > flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked > if she wants to go dancing later. > > > Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili > > > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned > peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili > peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge > Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. > > KENNEDY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and > I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds > like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili > which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy > they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too > late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting > any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole > in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super > nova on my tongue. > > > Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili > > > JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither > mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 > fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. > > JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, > not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > > KENNEDY: Momma? > > ------- End of Forwarded Message > ------- End of Forwarded Message From rmiro01@cs.fiu.edu Sat Apr 26 19:04:00 1997 Date: Thu, 24 Apr 1997 20:20:41 -0400 (EDT) From: Becky Miro To: Stupid Habs Fan , Cristina Menendez , Bill Kraynek , Steven Luis , Ita , Valerie Stokes , Paul Breland , TheRealDF1@aol.com Subject: Humor: Rats!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (fwd) To all of those of you who like hockey, here's a good one. It's a Post From The Florida Panthers Mailing List. Becky ================================================== A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, windows, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. WHOOOSH! Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering... do you have a sculpture of a Ranger fan?" Alone Wolf //because maybe//you're gonna be the one that saves me?// //and after all//you're my wonderwall// --Oasis Go Richie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Tallahassee Tigersharks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!